Rs stray from God
Editor, Gettysburg Times,
I was just given an exciting bit of information and can’t wait to spill the beans: The government printing office will soon be making available to all Americans a new version of the Bible. To be known as The King Donald Version, subtitled, “The Art of the Kneel,” it is sanctioned by the Republican Party and the National Association of Evangelicals, and will have an introduction by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. This Bible, written by Trump, and ghost writer Sarah Palin (holed up in a remote Alaskan island cave) will bring to life God’s words with simplistic language (you have to admit, the old King James Version is awfully stuffy) including words like “tremendous,” “bigly” and “covfefe.” What’s most exciting about this new holy book is a complete revision of the Ten Commandments! Those silly old rules have been greatly relaxed to allow lusting, adultery, rape, lying, stealing and swearing; more in keeping with Trump’s celebrated life. Topping the revised list however is one stern reminder to never take Donald Trump’s name in vain (So there, British Ambassador!), and a new eleventh commandment, praised by the NRA, will command all Americans to carry guns. And, even more exciting is the revised Golden Rule reflecting Trump’s business philosophy: “Screw others before they screw you.” When asked about this new Bible, Vice President Pence looked up towards heaven and said: “Mother and I are so excited, we can’t wait to read this holy book revised by the most spiritual man on earth.” In his introduction to the Bible, McConnell notes that since the blessed president has succeeded in elevating two Supreme Court Justices, it is clear that he’s been anointed by God to rewrite the Bible in conformance with Trump’s illustrious life. Jerry Falwell, Jr likewise praised this new version noting that, “going forward I can now breathe easier when I place my hands on our holy president’s shoulders; that his good life is now in conformance with his good book.” When Chuck Schumer, Democrat and Senate Minority leader, complained that having the government print this new bible was a breach of separation of church and state, McConnell retorted that America is now a theocracy given that, “our beloved president was chosen by God.” Republicans, Republicans how far you have strayed from being the party of God! You have allowed this president to dumb-down your government; might this be next?